Dear Jon -
Today after group we stole a cigarette together (and at the school, no less! For shame, had we been caught!) and we revisited the dinner option. I was incredibly anxious, but it seemed to go well.
So please, please do txt me. Dinner tonight?
- M
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
A window in my heart
Dear Jon -
A busy and frustrating weekend with Marcus and Josh. Josh and I had sex. I guess this means we're back together, I don't know. I have so many qualms about it, and my divorce isn't even finalized yet. And constantly I'm thinking about you.
I've figured out how to make iTunes work. I was getting furious with my playlist for being filled with other people's music (this song was when I was dating so-and-so, this song came from a CD so-and-so burned for me, this song is by so-and-so's favorite band...), so I have been making my own. One of them is for you. It's going to be the mix tape I've previously mentioned here. I mention it again because I play it in the car when I'm with Josh and I have guilt. Not only guilt, but a thrill of excitement. Am I a terrible person?
I had a dream last night that you and I and several others were in a tiny trailer next to a river. There was a rich man who came, and we were trying to seduce him to get money out of him. Everyone kept offering me to him and I was willing to do it so we could survive, then they offered him you and I together and he said he'd think about it. You and I were both very anxious about it and you said something about how our first time shouldn't be with someone else. You looked younger and had very short cropped hair. Your face was smooth and innocent.
I'm going to go play WOW now. I see you tomorrow. Maybe dinner?
- M.
A busy and frustrating weekend with Marcus and Josh. Josh and I had sex. I guess this means we're back together, I don't know. I have so many qualms about it, and my divorce isn't even finalized yet. And constantly I'm thinking about you.
I've figured out how to make iTunes work. I was getting furious with my playlist for being filled with other people's music (this song was when I was dating so-and-so, this song came from a CD so-and-so burned for me, this song is by so-and-so's favorite band...), so I have been making my own. One of them is for you. It's going to be the mix tape I've previously mentioned here. I mention it again because I play it in the car when I'm with Josh and I have guilt. Not only guilt, but a thrill of excitement. Am I a terrible person?
I had a dream last night that you and I and several others were in a tiny trailer next to a river. There was a rich man who came, and we were trying to seduce him to get money out of him. Everyone kept offering me to him and I was willing to do it so we could survive, then they offered him you and I together and he said he'd think about it. You and I were both very anxious about it and you said something about how our first time shouldn't be with someone else. You looked younger and had very short cropped hair. Your face was smooth and innocent.
I'm going to go play WOW now. I see you tomorrow. Maybe dinner?
- M.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Let's run away
Dear Jon -
You weren't at work today. I honestly didn't really expect you there, just hoped.
I'm going to go put on a "fuck me" dress and take nude photos of Marcus's new roommate so that he can try to get a gig for a porn outfit. My life is fun, sometimes. Tonight, we're all going to see a movie.
There's some sort of drama happening between my ex and his current room mates. I'm still trying to decide what my living situation will be in a few months. I had resigned myself to staying here until September and then finding a new place, but that process may be sped up if there's room coming open.
Unless, of course, you want to run away together.
Alex Day's You and Me:
We knew it from the start
That we would be together in some way
You needed me and you know
I still need you back
Don't get the wrong idea,
We both know what this is
And how it ends,
But I can't wait to share all this with you.
Let's run away where they won't find us now
We'll hide far away and we'll be free,
Just you and me,
Just you and me.
I swear these fantasies of you keep me going sometimes. A year spent with intention-filled visualizations of you. Meditation with a plot, right?
Oh, Jon.
- M.
You weren't at work today. I honestly didn't really expect you there, just hoped.
I'm going to go put on a "fuck me" dress and take nude photos of Marcus's new roommate so that he can try to get a gig for a porn outfit. My life is fun, sometimes. Tonight, we're all going to see a movie.
There's some sort of drama happening between my ex and his current room mates. I'm still trying to decide what my living situation will be in a few months. I had resigned myself to staying here until September and then finding a new place, but that process may be sped up if there's room coming open.
Unless, of course, you want to run away together.
Alex Day's You and Me:
We knew it from the start
That we would be together in some way
You needed me and you know
I still need you back
Don't get the wrong idea,
We both know what this is
And how it ends,
But I can't wait to share all this with you.
Let's run away where they won't find us now
We'll hide far away and we'll be free,
Just you and me,
Just you and me.
I swear these fantasies of you keep me going sometimes. A year spent with intention-filled visualizations of you. Meditation with a plot, right?
Oh, Jon.
- M.
Should have done better than this
Dear Jon -
I saw you today only briefly. It was after group and you were busy chatting it up with your group co-leader. I wanted to ask you to dinner, but I didn't want to do it in front of him and I couldn't quite navigate the awkwardness of waiting for your conversation with him to be over, so I left. I'm going into the office tomorrow. Maybe I'll see you. If I don't, maybe I'll txt you and invite you to dinner on Sunday.
My ex has utterly enamored of me. We've been friends, you know, throughout the marriage and most certainly after my husband left. He's been helping me take care of our sick friend. But he's now planning some sort of vacation for us in July. I'm afraid he's trying to rush us back into a relationship together, and I'm not even divorced yet. The worst part is, I think I brought this on myself. I've been terribly lonely, and in my loneliness I txted him all the time and wanted to spend time with him. Now that I've gotten to the point where the loneliness doesn't bother me too much, I'm unhappy with his constant txting me and wanting to see me. It's probably been cruel on my part in some way, and I need to figure out how to make amends.
I want to single for a while, I think. I want to be free. I want to wear dresses and try to be myself and relax.
Am I incapable of love? I hope not.
Carolina Liar lyrics:
Save me, I'm lost
Wait, I'm wrong
I can do better than this
Show me what I'm looking for
I really wanted to talk to you today.
-M.
I saw you today only briefly. It was after group and you were busy chatting it up with your group co-leader. I wanted to ask you to dinner, but I didn't want to do it in front of him and I couldn't quite navigate the awkwardness of waiting for your conversation with him to be over, so I left. I'm going into the office tomorrow. Maybe I'll see you. If I don't, maybe I'll txt you and invite you to dinner on Sunday.
My ex has utterly enamored of me. We've been friends, you know, throughout the marriage and most certainly after my husband left. He's been helping me take care of our sick friend. But he's now planning some sort of vacation for us in July. I'm afraid he's trying to rush us back into a relationship together, and I'm not even divorced yet. The worst part is, I think I brought this on myself. I've been terribly lonely, and in my loneliness I txted him all the time and wanted to spend time with him. Now that I've gotten to the point where the loneliness doesn't bother me too much, I'm unhappy with his constant txting me and wanting to see me. It's probably been cruel on my part in some way, and I need to figure out how to make amends.
I want to single for a while, I think. I want to be free. I want to wear dresses and try to be myself and relax.
Am I incapable of love? I hope not.
Carolina Liar lyrics:
Save me, I'm lost
Wait, I'm wrong
I can do better than this
Show me what I'm looking for
I really wanted to talk to you today.
-M.
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