A window in my heart

Dear Jon -

A busy and frustrating weekend with Marcus and Josh. Josh and I had sex. I guess this means we're back together, I don't know. I have so many qualms about it, and my divorce isn't even finalized yet. And constantly I'm thinking about you.

I've figured out how to make iTunes work. I was getting furious with my playlist for being filled with other people's music (this song was when I was dating so-and-so, this song came from a CD so-and-so burned for me, this song is by so-and-so's favorite band...), so I have been making my own. One of them is for you. It's going to be the mix tape I've previously mentioned here. I mention it again because I play it in the car when I'm with Josh and I have guilt. Not only guilt, but a thrill of excitement. Am I a terrible person?

I had a dream last night that you and I and several others were in a tiny trailer next to a river. There was a rich man who came, and we were trying to seduce him to get money out of him. Everyone kept offering me to him and I was willing to do it so we could survive, then they offered him you and I together and he said he'd think about it. You and I were both very anxious about it and you said something about how our first time shouldn't be with someone else. You looked younger and had very short cropped hair. Your face was smooth and innocent.

I'm going to go play WOW now. I see you tomorrow. Maybe dinner?

- M.