Connections Missed

Dear Jon -

There was spring banquet. You and my husband were in the room at the same time. I didn't introduce you. Afterward, my husband and I went to the pub and I asked him what he thought of you. He said he didn't even notice you. He was completely oblivious. I asked him why he didn't care. We fought. It was distressing. I want him to care that I have all of this going on inside of me, and it's all going on inside of me around you.

I won't say that it's about you. I don't even know if it's about you, anymore. You say that you could never be with me. I can't be with you, either. I would never cheat on my husband. Never. I just don't understand why these feelings didn't go away when I got married. Shouldn't these feelings have gone away?

I saw a missed connection that I thought could be for me from you. It happened at noon the day after our late night together. But it was in the wrong county. Why would you do that, Jon? Just to add more questions to something that's already been absurdly unsure for me? It probably wasn't you.

I've been thinking about putting you away. I don't fantasize about you anymore. In fact, I try very hard not to.

In less melodramatic news, I got the interview, and it went well. I expect to have an offer this week. That makes my life seem less unsure to me.

I can't stop reading the missed connections - not because I think any of them will have anything to do with me, but because some of them are heartbreakingly beautiful. It's like looking into people's windows at night, catching glimpses of them moving through their lives. They leave the blinds open hoping someone will look in. I do.

I'm going to go to bed, now, and lie down next to my husband.