Last Last Song

Dear Jon -

It's been eight days since I heard from you. I try not to spend too much time thinking about you, it's mostly just before falling asleep or in the shower - those quiet times my brain won't shut up.

I'm angry and sad. I really thought that things were happening between us and moving forward. I don't even know how much of that I made up or how much of it we both felt...

I'm embarrassed, too. Because I know that we sound delusional when we talk about our spiritual heritage. I shared that with you, and I hope that it isn't the reason why I haven't heard from you. I hope you're just out of town and forgot your charger or something. Wouldn't that be nice? Worst case scenario, you've decided I'm some sort of crazy person and feel the need to tell the faculty about it. I honestly believe that's catastrophic thinking, but I don't really know you.

You don't know me, either. I don't think you ever really saw me. I'm so angry.

The last time we smoked together outside at work, I said that I was sad I wouldn't be seeing you anymore. You said that it was our choice whether or not we'd see each other. It is our choice, Jon. But I can't decide for both of us.

Please just txt me. I guess the absolute worst scenario is that you got in a horrible accident or something. I pray that you're alright. I txted you on Wednesday (two days ago). If I haven't heard from you by Wednesday (five days from now), I'll try again.

I've been learning the songs you like on the guitar. I took you seriously when you said that someday you wanted me to show you my stuff and be all narcissistic, like you feel inspired to do when we're together. I hope you were serious and that we can make some music together. I loved that.

- M.

It Wasn't Much

Dear Jon -

Haven't heard from you in three days. More than that, but that's the last time I txted you. I know you're with your old friend traveling to Canada. Or should I say "friend"?

I hope you're having a lovely time. I hope that time away from me makes you miss me. I hope that when you get back you want to see me. I hope a lot of things, I just don't know if I'm going to get them.

I miss you and I want to see you. I get so angry with you, sometimes. I think you are missing me. I think that you don't see me when I'm with you and you don't even think about me when I'm not with you. I think I should give up.

Leonard Cohen:

I did my best
It wasn't much
I couldn't feel
So I tried to touch
I've told the truth,
I didn't come to fool you.
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I miss you, Jon. Come home and txt me.

- M.

Anything

Dear Jon -

I thought we would see each other yesterday, but we didn't. You cleaned house and worked on your friend's motorcycle instead.

I feel very angry with you today. I feel angry because I don't want to beg you to see me every time we get together. I don't want to pussyfoot around you, like Gabe thinks I should. I want to move forward. What is it going to take?

Dramarama:

OK what is it tonight?
please just tell me what the hell is wrong,
Do you want to eat, do you want to sleep, do you want to drown?
Just settle down, settle down, settle down...

I'm so sick of you tonight,
Is something wrong with me, something wrong with you?
I really wish I knew, wish I knew, wish I knew...

I was young I learned a game,
that love and happiness were the same,
And now I'm older and I don't play,
I found out the hardest way

I even let you hear the songs I want to sing,
I'll give you anything, anything, anything...

Anything...

Your friend came in from out of town today. You're going with her to Canada to visit her family. The other night after you gave me a ride home from the hospital you had a "friend" at your house playing videogames, waiting for you.

If, after all of this time you've told me you aren't ready for a relationship, blah blah, you're actually dating other people, I'm going to be so upset. I'm so angry and frustrated with you. You're so emo and self-absorbed. You take all of your feelings and energy and creativity and life force and turn it inward on yourself. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get you out of this funk.

I think I'm entering the phase where I rebel against my feelings for you and rail against seeing you or anything to do with you. I've gone through it before, I'll go through it again.

I asked you if you know how I feel about you, like Gabe suggested, and you said, "I think I do." Please realize that I've been waiting for you for a year. I even got married in the middle. Don't make me wait forever.

-M.

PS

I want to add that I'm tired of shaving my legs for you. Seriously, I shaved for this? I think 90% of my shaving in the past year has been because of you! The other ten percent was for my wedding. Think about that next time you don't even kiss me!

I Could Use Someone Like You

Dear Jon -

Yeah.

...Yeah.

The dress wasn't enough tonight. We talked about sex, we watched that show, we talked about our divorces... and we didn't kiss.

I want to be bolder next time. I'm going to try. Please, God, give me the power to try.

I love you, Jon. I asked you if you know how I feel about you and you said, "I think I do." I love you.

Lynzie Kent:

You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me

I'm ready now, I'm ready now.

-M

I Expect Nothing Less....

City an Colour:

So why does it always seem
That every time I turn around
Somebody falls in love with me
This has never been my soul intention
And I have never claimed to have patents on such inventions

Just save your scissors
For someone else's skin
My surface is so tough
I don't think the blade will dig in
Save your strength
Save your wasted time
There's no way that I want you to be left behind
Go on save your scissors
Save your scissors

There is something that I must confess to you tonight
To you tonight
And that is I expect nothing less from you tonight
From you tonight


Dear Jon -

We saw Gabe. We took Gabe to the hospital. And now that all of that has calmed down, I'm about to go to your house and have a few beers and "watch a movie or something." I'm wearing a fuck-me dress, as Gabe would say. He recommended it over the jeans and a busty blouse.

I want to be clear, I think there are two things going on here. First, I am head over heels for you. Second, I think you're nephilim and I want you to be exposed to our culture and our ways; I want you to have the support of the community (God knows you need it). Seeing Gabe was for the latter. Tonight... tonight is for me.

Please see me today. Look at me. See me for who and what I am. Recognize me. Feel me. Touch me. I'm not expecting sex; I spent hours writing you that disclosure letter I'll never send telling you how happy I am that we haven't had sex. What I'm expecting is something to move in you for me. Please.

-M

You Don't Know Me

Dear Jon -

Tomorrow we see Gabe. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm going to have Gabe help me explain to you who we are and why you've experienced some of the same things we've all experienced. And that will be enough; if God brought me to you for that, then that will be enough.

On top of all that and apart from all of that, I'm in love with you. You say I bring out this creative, narcissistic side of you that inspires you to read me your poetry and show me your art, and yet you know little about me. When I saw you last night, I was so encouraged because you started using the word "you." You even said that you'd have to indulge my narcissistic creative side at some point, and I agreed to bring my guitar. You showed interest in me. It was a distinct shift from the inward focus you've always had with me.

Last night I told you that I am changed because of you, and it's true. You've changed me, and I don't want the chance of you being my perfect pairing, my mate, pass us by because I was too afraid to act.

Ray Charles:

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)

Dream

Dear Jon -

I had the most wonderful and satisfying dream about you last night.

You have rejected me many times and circumstances have kept us apart, but now we are together and totally in love. It feels so intoxicatingly wonderful to cuddle up to you, to press my face into your shoulder, to nuzzle your neck and feel you smile against me. You are struggling with the realities of your life, and in a discussion we have you decide that you need a new job. We are driving in your huge van. We park outside the police station. I think that you are donating the van, but then an officer comes out and talks to you about parking. You tell him you'll be right in and pull out a jacket - you are going to be a police officer. I feel so proud and satisfied to be with you, and we're still figuring things out, but we know that we are supposed to be together. It's natural.

I love you, Jon. I hope you come with me to see Gabe this weekend.

- M.

I Love You

Jon -

On Tuesday we celebrated your last week at work (and you didn't bother to show up). Today, we celebrated your last day. Then I went to your house and we drank and talked.

You say that there's something in me that brings out your narcissistic, creative side. Then you talked about your con-artistry.

Jon, You're nephilim. I didn't know how to tell you tonight, and I plan on getting you and Gabe and I together to figure this out.

All I know is that I love you. I know we're both seriously fucked up and we'll never work out, etc etc, but I love you. Maybe God made me love you so that I could bring you in, but I don't care.

I love you, Jon.

- M.