Last Last Song

Dear Jon -

It's been eight days since I heard from you. I try not to spend too much time thinking about you, it's mostly just before falling asleep or in the shower - those quiet times my brain won't shut up.

I'm angry and sad. I really thought that things were happening between us and moving forward. I don't even know how much of that I made up or how much of it we both felt...

I'm embarrassed, too. Because I know that we sound delusional when we talk about our spiritual heritage. I shared that with you, and I hope that it isn't the reason why I haven't heard from you. I hope you're just out of town and forgot your charger or something. Wouldn't that be nice? Worst case scenario, you've decided I'm some sort of crazy person and feel the need to tell the faculty about it. I honestly believe that's catastrophic thinking, but I don't really know you.

You don't know me, either. I don't think you ever really saw me. I'm so angry.

The last time we smoked together outside at work, I said that I was sad I wouldn't be seeing you anymore. You said that it was our choice whether or not we'd see each other. It is our choice, Jon. But I can't decide for both of us.

Please just txt me. I guess the absolute worst scenario is that you got in a horrible accident or something. I pray that you're alright. I txted you on Wednesday (two days ago). If I haven't heard from you by Wednesday (five days from now), I'll try again.

I've been learning the songs you like on the guitar. I took you seriously when you said that someday you wanted me to show you my stuff and be all narcissistic, like you feel inspired to do when we're together. I hope you were serious and that we can make some music together. I loved that.

- M.